Quicksand

Here I am. I am writing a blog post about you. You may or may not read this, but I just needed to release what it is I feel inside. The only better way to do this would be to tell you in person, but as you know…1.) I am a coward, 2.) You have a significant other, and 3.) I know you wouldn't say anything back to me.

I've known you for a while now. But I've only started to like you in January 2012. It was seeing you at school, and how laid back you were. You were funny, and so very accepting and un-judging. Your personality comforted me; you made me feel like I was home. I could be myself around you and crack dirty jokes, not wear any makeup, eat in front of you, give you piggy back rides, have rap battles; the list goes on. You say I'm chill, and I'm happy you think so. And I like that no matter who we're with, you're always yourself and you never try to be cool or act a certain way. You were such a cool guy. And I began to think to myself that maybe I liked you. I kept my feelings to myself for a couple of months until I told my sister. At this point, I had already known you had a girlfriend and my sister told me not to tell you.

Then we started working together and it made me happy to see you every day. To hear your voice and laugh at your jokes, I felt lucky that I could be around a guy like you. And because we are friends I can look you in the eyes, which is difficult to do so with other people. They may not be green (or hazel for that matter), but a beautiful amber color in which I have not seen any eyes quite like yours which is another reason why I find it hard to look away. Unique as you are, I read a quote that reminded me of our friendship:

"Each relationship between two persons is absolutely unique. That is why you cannot love two people the same. It simply is not possible. You love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you." –William P. Young

I share a part of me with you that I haven't shared with anyone; you draw a part of me out that no one else gets to see. And it's because of your personality and the way you make me feel and I know it's the same you, because it's the same for everyone. It's what we share with each other that makes our friendship so unique.

Just stop and think.

There are 7 billion people in the world and there is only ONE you and there is only ONE me. No two people are exactly the same, and I have the honor of knowing YOU the way you are now and today. If you don't think that crazy, then I don't know what to say.

I wish that I could do what I've always wanted to do to you. I've thought about kissing you…a lot, and more. I wonder if you've ever thought about me, if you've ever dreamt about me.

I hoped that the one night we got drunk together that something would happen between us, but we both know nothing did.

I follow you on tumblr, and I know you don't use it often. But I re-blogged a post which described what I feel inside for you and when I read it, it made me shed two tears. It wasn't cheesy, but very, very honest and…sweet.

Sometimes I think I am in love with you. I remembered you asked me once how many times I fall in love a day, and I said "Once, with you over and over again." I've dropped many hints of my interest in you, but I guess you never caught on. And when I told you I liked you in November, I used the past tense because I was afraid of what you would think. But I said it in so little words, and in a large context that I think you just shrugged it off. Part of me believes you would have shrugged it off in the first place…

Maybe it wasn't the right time.

Or perhaps no time would have been a good time. And maybe you don't like me back or you never will, not in a romantic-type way at least. Maybe I liked you at the wrong time, because you have a girlfriend. But I do remember you saying we can't help who we love, and I agree. To love someone is to be fully encompassed by their being. I read somewhere that you are in love when you can't ever see your life or live your life without that other person. So maybe I am in love, or maybe I just love you. Whatever differences they have, love is love just the same and it is powerful.

"Some people fall in love and touch the sky. Some people fall in love and find quicksand. I hover somewhere in between; I swear I can't make up my mind." –'Quicksand' by Incubus

I just wish that you could see what you mean to me.

I don't know if you think of me as a close friend, or just some girl you see a lot. But I would have to say that you just might be my best guy friend, because I can tell you anything and you know things that no one else knows about me, predominantly opinions. With me being one of the only girls in our group of friends, I feel like one-of-the-boys. And even when I have a crush here and there on other guys, you give me advice. But I've always gotten over those guys, and it's different with you.

I am fully aware that I am currently stuck in the friend-zone with no signs of moving. I am going nowhere fast, as they say.

I may not be your type. I may not be thin enough or stereotypically Mexican enough for you. Or my teeth aren't straight enough. Whatever it is…whatever it may be…

Just know that you had a chance with a girl who had a lot to offer and who passionately cared about you and you didn't take it because of one of the above reasons or one of your own.

I'll just be here waiting.

Forever one of the boys.

It's hard to be one of the boys when you just want to be a girl. But it's hard being a girl when you want the boys to think you're cool.
My only friend that is  female is my sister and BFF, so I'm not sure if that counts and we share the same group of friends.
It's hard to like a boy who belongs to your group of friends. I am never one to let the person know I like them, but I can't help it if my jealousy shines when he speaks about his girlfriend (oops...).
My sister asked to choose between being his friend or not being his friend.
I had to choose between 2. But I asked, 'why can't we be friends with benefits?'.
I know, I've already stated he has a girlfriend. But our friendship is so close. I can be myself around him, make dirty jokes, not wear any makeup, etc.
I am also aware that most FWB relationships don't go over well, because the female often gets attatched. -I've never watched the movie Friends with Benefits, but I'm sure it Hollywood-ized.-
This FWB fling-thing would promote promiscuity, like the underwear we sell at my workplace that read HOTTER THAN YOUR GIRLFRIEND (which I have been tempted to buy).
Last weekend, I confessed to my sister that I am in l o v e with this boy.
Scratch that...maybe I'm not in love with him, maybe I just love him. I know there's a difference, but I can't very well define them right now.
Here I am, questioning my feelings for him once again.
But there is another boy I like who is also my friend.
He is very outgoing and kind.
I think we'd fit well together.
Although, he didn't take my flirty jokes as jokes (amongst friends). What a fail that was!
I digress...
But unlike most of my friends he is both taller and older than me ++++++++
Did I mention I had a crush on him in high school? Uhh, yeah.
Well, I'm not sure if I'm better off taking my chances with guy #1 or guy #2.
This weekend, though, I guess I will take it with the latter.
We're supposed to go out tonight and celebrate my birthday (early) with a group of friends (no awkwardness, yay!). Guy #1 is invited, but said he wanted to invite his girlfriend :(
Things will either go my way or not my way tonight.
*fingers crossed*

I think I should write a book.

The title of the book would be Sexual Tension (Among Friends).
I've also thought it'd be a great idea to "kiss the alphabet" and write about it.
I've only kissed a 'M', and by kiss I don't mean a peck (that doesn't count).
I think if I do decide to create my z i n e I could use these as topics, although it'd be a lot of writing from me and I want it to include writings from other women.
I'm not very popular. I use 6 social networking sites (including this one, FB, Twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, and etsy).
The average number of friends/followers I have among these 6 sites is a whopping 64.3!
Not very impressive, I know. Thus it would be difficult to gather stories and experiences from others.
But...creating my zine will take time, especially because I want it to ooze honesty and creativity among feminist and free women around the world.
Maybe I dream too big.

Well, today is Monday. I want to talk this boy I like in one of my classes. He wasn't in class last week due to circumstances... I hope he shows up today. With Halloween on the way, I bought a few jack-o-latern tins to fill with cookies. We'll see who I share my cookies with...and if I talk to this boy.
I should really try to post more.
Have a good week!

Feminism, an insult?

I have written a 5 page essay about myself and why I am the way I am. I am considering making it into a zine. But I'm not too sure if I have the following to become "popular" and/or have people be interested in me and what I have to say about life and other things.
This week I've been struck harshly with anxiety. I don't know what it is, but the second half of this week has been better than the first half. In my Communications class, a couple of students have picked on me (so to speak) because I am a feminist, and I believe it is because they do not understand what it means. I don't take offense to being called a feminist (or a bitch for that matter), being a feminist, feminism, etc. That's absurd! A peer asked me what feminism is and I gladly told her, and she seemed pretty pleased. I'm glad someone asked me instead of blindly turning their back on gender equality. At least I've opened someone's eyes.

I am...

So, about 2 weeks ago in my Communications class my teacher had us write a 10 line poem of sorts, describing ourseves. Each line had to begin with I am. And this is what I came up with:

I am a feminist.
I am shy.
I am the oldest of my siblings.
I am creative.
I am unique.
I am ponderous.
I am anxious.
I am tall.
I am witty.
I am who I am for myself.

Collared and laced.

Collar: Made by me! You can buy one here.

Dress: Delia's (belt not included)

Socks: Betsey Johnson (pack of 2 for $7 at Dillard's)

Shoes: Rue 21

This is the second outfit I've left the house in today. I had to run back home and change after an incident this morning. I love my collar (of course), and this dress is lovely and makes me feel girly. And I love red lipstick!

God is Dead

An introduction is needed. My name is Stephanie. Please forgive me as I'm just getting this blog started after countless attempts to dedicate myself to the internet. I'm a busy young adult as I'm working 2 part-time jobs and attending college full time. I don't believe in fashion as much as I believe in style. Fashion is for impossibly skinny girls portrayed in the high fashion magazines in strange poses and it all just seems, well, unreal. When you walk down the street, do you see girls like you see in the magazines? I know I don't, but I love in a small (yet growing) town in southern Arizona. Style on the other hand is easy. You can be any size, shape, color, gender to have style. You just have to have an eye for what looks good and that is very perspective, subjective. The one thing you must have along with "the eye" (as I'll call it) is confidence. Who cares if people walk past you and throw you dirty looks. Don't worry about what people might say. You look great! You're beautiful! Confidence is key ;) Now, I should add I am not a wealthy girl living in uptown New York and going to fashion shows. I am a regular (that might not be the correct word) girl living at home. I don't make a lot of money, and I shop when I have money to spend. I shop in stores you shop at. I've never been to Louis Vuitton or any designer store. I'm just like you, and I'll show you outfits I've put together with things I've bought, thrifted or DIYed. So stay tuned!
This is a William Control (bought online) T-shirt that reads GOD IS DEAD (William Control has published a book containing an essay with the same title). The T-shirt was reconstructed by me, I just cut off the sleeves and added lace. I also cut off the collar. The pastel pink skirt was thrifted. It's Charlotte Russe and I bought it with the tags still attatched! I'm also wearing vertically striped tights and black mary-jane type heels. Not pictured is a pleather jacket I recieved for Christmas a couple of years ago from Rue 21. If I put a price on the this outfit, it would be about $50.
Thanks for stopping by! I just hope this was a successful first post. Leave your questions/comments below, I'd love to know what you think. :D
xx